of this attitude......
" If someone chooses to parent when they aren't emotionally or financially stable can create an unstable enviroment for the child, the length of which is undetermined and often the Birthmom gives up on their persuit of their own dreams. To chose adoption I would imagine there is always a since of loss even with the best open adoption situation. So both optons have lifelong downsides."
I copied this from a comment on a facebook page. Oh yes, I guess according to this person all circumstances should be perfect before having a baby. All the planets should be perfectly aligned before giving birth and keeping your baby. If they're not then you should consider giving your baby to someone who has it much more together than you do.
I can say that after living without my daughter for literally decades that no career is worth losing your child. No dream is bigger than the dream of being with your baby. No financial reward is worth the loss that mothers face when losing a child to adoption - open or otherwise. NOTHING can replace a child. I don't understand what's so hard to understand about that. The only reason anyone would have that attitude is if they want someone's child for themselves.
I lost my daughter in 1980 and it was only a year later that I married. Just a year after that my son was born. At the time he was born my husband and I were living in a small rundown duplex. We didn't have 2 nickels to our name but we had each other and our son. Were we financially stable at that time and really ready to have children? No. Was I emotionally ready to have a child after what I had been through just a couple of years earlier? No. Did I learn and manage? Yes. I did what I had to do. I became a mother and a damn good one too from what my children tell me. Three years after having my son I had a little girl. Both of them grew up to be happy, healthy, successful adults. There was no reason in this world that I couldn't have done the same with my first child. My daughter could have also been raised by me. We could have been together all those years. All of my children could have been raised together, known each other, played together.
If financial stability is such a huge factor in whether or not a woman should keep and raise her child then what of all the people suffering financial setbacks right now in this economy? Does that mean all the people facing foreclosure on their homes should consider giving their children to others to raise?
There are no guarantees in life. Giving a baby to someone who has more money does NOT guarantee that the child will grow up happy. Giving a baby to a married couple does NOT guarantee that the couple will remain married. Giving a baby to a couple that seems emotionally stable (according to their advertising brochure aka bmother letter) does NOT guarantee that the child won't be abused.
Once I became a mother, a mother who was allowed to keep her baby, the dream I pursued was the dream that my children would grow up living happy, healthy lives. Yes, I also worked at becoming an artist. It was always a dream of mine to paint. I pursued that dream AND raised my children. The biggest dream I had though was the dream of seeing all 3 of my children in one room. It took 22 years to fulfill that dream.
"To chose adoption I would imagine there is always a since of loss even with the best open adoption situation. So both optons have lifelong downsides."
This line in particular tells me that this person really doesn't have a clue. I can't think of a single downside to raising my other 2 children. Yes, we had some financial difficulties. So what! So do millions of other people. We got by and we were together, we were there loving each other. What was the downside of adoption? It was more than a "sense of loss" I can tell you. It was decades of unresolved grieving that ripped me to the core of my being.
I can show you many, many, many mothers who regret "choosing" adoption but so far I haven't come across any that regret keeping their children.
Carlynne
I was wondering if anyone could help me with a question. It has to do with my birth-mother (or natural mother, or real mother). She gave me up for adoption when I was a few days old. I went through serious trauma in my adoptive household. I found her when I was in my twenties. She had a friend write me to say she never wanted to have anything at all to do with me. Then I thought that time would ease things. She died about 20 years later of late-stage cancer. She was in the hospital receiving palatial care, she knew she was going to die, and she died without ever contacting me. I found out about her death when a friend saw her obit in the newspaper. My question is, I have never really been able to understand how she could have gone through her entire life life and then leave this world without even talking to me even once. I was wondering if any lost mothers on this site could try to help me to understand. I yearned for her literally every single day of my life. I still yearn for her, I just try to keep busy so as not to think about it.
ReplyDeleteI have my own beautiful daughter. She is an infinitely precious gift to me. I also deeply mourn that my mother never saw her granddaughter.
If anyone can help me understand, I would be deeply grateful. It would help me to live with it. Thank you.
Oh Anonymous... I don't think there IS any understanding of it. I am so very sorry that your natural mom was unable to walk out of her shame/fears/whatever and embrace you into her life. The best writing I have found that tries to answer your question is found here:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_facts/why_wont_my_mother.html
Have you been able to connect with anyone in her family? Do you have siblings, aunts or uncles who may be able to answer some of your questions? They may be able to help you find some understanding.
Great post Carlynne! With this reasoning for giving a child up for adoption, everyone would have to give their children up. For you are always going to be able to find someone who is either more emotionally stable or financially stable than you are.
ReplyDeleteAs for lifelong downsides... I can't think of one single lifelong downside to the children I was so very lucky to go on and raise after losing my firstborn to adoption. They (and my grandchildren) are the biggest blessings I have ever had/will ever have in my life.
Anonymous, I'm so sorry for the trauma you had to endure in your adoptive home and for the loss of your mother. It is very hard to understand what was happening with your mother and why she couldn't/wouldn't meet with you. There could be a number of reasons. The two big ones could be shame and the level of pain surrounding your surrender. Maybe it was just too big for her to move beyond. I know someone personally who surrendered a newborn many years ago and she still will not talk about it, will not search and wants nothing to do with the topic of adoption. I can sometimes see the pain behind her eyes that tells me she just can't deal with it.
ReplyDeleteAs Susie asked, do you know of any other family members? If so, maybe they can give you some insight.
Carlynne
I think that someone could write the quote above because we are so brainwashed in this country that biology doesn't matter which, of course, is absurd when you consider that 97-98% of people keep their children. The vast majority of people would be horrified at the thought of losing one of their own children yet think nothing of recommending it for others whose circumstances they consider less than optimal for being a parent.
ReplyDelete@Anon 10/11/12,
It must be so incredibly painful for you to read all these stories of mothers who so regret relinquishing their children and so much want to have a relationship with them now. No one can really know what was going on inside your first mother's mind to make her respond to you as she did.
Maybe you could get in touch with her friend who wrote to you. She could give you more insight into your n-mother. Also, I agree with the suggestion that you try to contact other family members. I was never able to reunite with my n-father due to his early death but since he had never wanted me, I probably would have been rejected as well. I have, however, connected with my paternal relatives and despite not having the foggiest idea that I even existed, they immediately accepted me into the family. I am very sorry that your first mother was not able to welcome you back into her life and even more so that you had a bad adoptive family. This is another one of the things I hate about the glorification of adoption. Too many adoptees seem to end up with no family at all outside of their own spouse and children.
" If someone chooses to parent when they aren't emotionally or financially stable can create an unstable enviroment for the child..."
ReplyDeleteHmmmm - does that mean Bill Clinton, whose father died before he was born, who lived in a small house with no plumbing, whose alcoholic stepfather was physically abusive, would have been better off adopted? Or that his mother, who trained as a nurse anesthetist while her parents cared for him, would have been better off? "Bill Clinton is in every sense his mother's son" is the beginning of her obituary The Woman Who Shaped the President in the Washington Post. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/politics/special/clinton/stories/kelley010794.htm#TOP
No mother "chooses" adoption they are coerced into thinking it is "better" for their child........at a time when they are at their most vulnerable .....
ReplyDeleteThere is no such thing as birth mother biological mother first mother etc etc there is only one mother in our life our mother
Noone person is perfect who is to say one mother is better than another there is only one mother the mother.
My heart goes out to all mothers of loss and it is time that adoption in any form was made illegal and immoral
Great post, thanks.
ReplyDeleteTo the author of this article, did you ask the person who made that comment on facebook what they meant by their comment, or are you just assuming you know?
ReplyDeleteSaying that no mother "chooses" adoption, they are coerced, tells me that you think that these women cannot think for themselves, that they can't make a decision to keep their baby. Regardless of what you want to believe, there are MANY women who have chosen to keep their babies, despite any pressures they may get to either abort or place for adoption. If you regret placing your child for adoption, I feel for you. But it was your choice. There are too many resources available for single mothers to give any excuse. Don't blame others for your choice. If this were 40 years ago, you may have a leg to stand on in the blame game, but now even 15 year old girls are getting pregnant and keeping their babies. Don't blame others or rant on how horrible adoption is because you placed and now regret it.
Did I read the same article, Anonymous? I didn't hear any ranting or read any blaming. I read a heartfelt post by a woman who clearly regrets losing her first child. If her first child had been killed in an accident, would you then feel compelled to show the miniscule compassion you have? "Many woman have chosen to keep their babies". Yes, the majority -- no one is disputing that. Your comment is exactly what is wrong with the blame game. Blaming the women who felt they had no choice but to place. Sometimes you can have a choice but never fully embrace it, because of immaturity, fear, etc. Adoption as it is practiced in this country, stinks. And a human being like Carlynne who has lived adoption, has every right to express her opinions about a system that separated her from her child.
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